Rogue

10.17.17

It’s not in me to hold grudges, and so I don’t. There’s no room for that kind of cruelty in my bones. I want lightness and air and bright shining things in my bloodstream. I want to show the world that true goodness exists, despite everything. I want to provide an example of how to exist without hurting others, and how to try to live the best life you can every single day. 

Be good, be free, and smile at people. 

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Everything starts in the palms of your hands – open them towards the sky and breathe. 

. . . . .

Everything feels so easy when I’m with you. I’m satisfied just sitting beside you and hearing you laugh with me. That’s always enough. Every moment I spend with you is a quiet gift, and every tender smile is a blessing. 

Is that what love is?

The saddest part is it would never work between us, but I convince myself otherwise and pull from your scattered earth all this senseless hope. I hold on to every little thing – every effortlessly charming word and every passing touch and every hint of a promise. I hold on to every stirred feeling and stupidly believe that all those tiny shards of affection will trump everything else. But they won’t.

I convince myself it can’t possibly be one-sided, but it is, and even if you felt these quiet, tender things – this steady comfort and ease and warmth – you’d never do anything about it. And I’m too proud to ever make the first move.

So we’ll stay caught in this trap of being together and not together, and maybe wanting to be more but never doing anything about it.

It’s okay though, I guess.

It’s always been enough just to be with you, in any way, at all.

I just hope I’m not just some dumb ego fuel that went rogue and fell in love.