A Quarter-Life Crisis
07.24.18 – Free write
I’ve been thinking a lot about want lately – about desires and hopes and dreams. And I’ve been thinking a lot about how we can convince ourselves we want certain things when really we don’t, and about the chasm that forms in us when we reach for something we thought we needed and get it and realize it was absolutely nothing at all. A heart yearns for wholeness – for recognition and satisfaction and peace – but it has absolutely no idea how to get there.
I used to think I had to escape to somewhere else to be happy – that I had to run away from everything and start over and find new things and new people to fill my life with – but I’ve come to realize that even though I love to travel and even though there is something deep in me that needs to see the world – and even though sometimes I get lonely sitting in the quiet, writing alone in my room – I can be happy right here, right where I am, at least for now. I’ve been so distracted, and so busy with the more pointless minutia of my life that I’ve forgotten how to find beauty in the small things – and how to find love in the nooks and crannies.
And I seem to have forgotten that if all else fails, and you feel there is no love to find, you can always, always make your own. Put it out into the world, and let it seep into the fabric of your life. Dye everything with all the colours of your refracted light.
I’ve been thinking of growth recently, and of intentionality, and of how kindness isn’t something that just happens – it’s a decision you have to make over and over again. Decide to be kind and forgiving and generous with love – decide to look beyond yourself and really see those around you and learn to put them first. Make sacrifices, let go of pride. Get into the habit of saying only nice things to and about people – of really trying to put only good things into the world – of smiling at people, and extending warmth. You’ll be surprised at how much your own life starts to expand. It all takes such conscious effort, and there are those who will call this kind of living weak – who will say you’re letting people just walk all over you – but there are ways to act in love that make you stronger, even when from the outside someone else seems to win. Living in empathy and love will free you – it will allow you to let go of ego and fear and so many other things that are constantly weighing you down.
Last night I was getting frustrated with where I am in life – I was scolding myself for not trying harder, and for wasting my own time and not being more motivated and hard-working and accomplished. But I started writing and I gave myself some room to breathe and I realized I still have my whole life ahead of me. And more importantly, I realized I have to be more appreciative of what I have right now. If I end up in some distant place somewhere down the line, I’m sure it will be amazing, but if I don’t, that would be okay too. Because a life filled with love is never wasted. And those were the words I finally put in writing and was finally able to grasp.
I have enough faith to know that everything will work itself out in the end and we’ll all end up where we’re meant to be. For now, I’m okay, and I’m happy. In fact there are so many things I should be thankful for that it’s kind of silly to think about how sometimes I forget. It’s okay to have goals, and to work towards those goals, but never get so frustrated with yourself – and so caught in a state of want – that you lose sight of what you already have. Always remember that it’s okay to take your time, and that everything is a process. Let the journey at least be filled with love.
I think I just wrote myself out of a quarter-life crisis.
