Realign
12.04.18
The human being’s capacity for resilience is a marvel in itself. We jump through hoops and over hurdles – crawl belly-flat in the mud under ropes of barbed wire, bounce off walls and break through glass and watch all the shattered pieces dazzle in the light and clink to the floor around us, barely noticing the blood seeping from the cuts on our arms and legs.
And through hardship and pain and injustice, we persevere – sometimes with the unwavering faith in better things to come, sometimes with the knowledge that things could be far, far worse, and usually with some sort of shift in perspective – usually by looking at current circumstances in new ways that make them tolerable
“Everything happens for a reason,” I whisper into the callous emptiness of my lamplit room. There is a mason jar full of water on the bedside table and I think about how a fine layer of dust has probably settled there, and about how I will most likely drink it anyway.
Certain things that have happened over the past couple of days have left me feeling both blessed and cheated, and I understand that mine is not a God to be bargained with, no matter how badly I want to believe He is. But instead of dwelling in the misery of losing something I never had but could have had, I shift my perspective and decide to see the good in things.
I decide to take all of this as a learning experience and take some time to reflect on what I really want, and what I really need. I see better habits somewhere on a horizon I can finally reach. I remember walking through homey stores on Sunday afternoon and seeing beautiful art – and mediocre art – and I remember hearing a song I wrote and produced so long ago for the first time again last night and I take all of these things as inspiration.
I never needed the money, really. What I need is to stay in and spend some time on my own – redirect my energies into creative and productive endeavours and just start making things again. What I need is to clean my room, light some palo santo and realign. I’ve strayed too far from the things that make me who I am, and now I think it’s time for me to return.
