An Exercise in Self-Preservation
02.09.20
I alternate between elation and heartache and the push and pull can be exhausting. I’m left somewhat winded, looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if this is how it’s always going to be – me, stuck with my reflection, not knowing what to do.
It feels like I’ve reached something of an impasse, with no way of moving forward in a way that’s both satisfying and healthy. I wonder if I should just cut my losses. I want to choose the path of love (but what kind of love?) over fear, but it’s scary and hard. Deep down, I’ve always known this was the only outcome, but I never really let myself truly believe it. I was never fully convinced. There was always that naïve glimmer of optimism, that voice shouting into the void filled with every uncertain thing and every harsh reality – that voice always in the back of my mind, forcing itself to be heard, always chanting that foolish mantra, “maybe, maybe…”
I know I always go back and forth between deciding to start to distance myself now and deciding to keep going with things as they are and dealing with the heartbreak when I get there. Now I guess it seems we’re getting closer and closer to the end of the fantasy. Now we’re getting closer and closer to a reality I won’t be able to deny – not without being completely delusional and pathetic – and I want to be prepared for it. I don’t want to be devastated. I want to be able to take it in stride and move on, and still be there when I’m needed, without any jealousy or heartache or resentment.
I can see how impossible it is from here, but I guess the best I can do is try. I can focus on and be grateful for what I have, and understand that I’m on my own journey, and I’m going to be alright. Life will unfurl before me in strange and mysterious ways, and with enough faith and enough love, all things will work out the way they’re supposed to. Years will pass filled with laughter and tears – and happy accidents and serendipity and hopefully a lot of kismet – and at the end of it I will find myself settled and content in myself and the life I’ve chosen to make.
This is the great dream. And sitting here writing this, a thought passes through my mind and now I wonder if it would really be so bad to end up on my own if I’ve made a positive difference in the lives of those around me. Maybe there are greater things to strive for. Maybe I can dream a different dream.
